I'm Sorry..

I'm sorry for so many things anymore.. I mean, if I were to list them out, it'd be WAY too long to read, especially on a Friday.. ;)   But right now, I'm truly sorry for one big thing that boils down to many little things.. 

I'm sorry that my anxiety has such control over my personal life..

I'm sorry I allow my anxiety to have so much control over my personal life..

I am writing this after missing out on a game night that my sorority sister was having at her (and her new hubby's) house.. I haven't seen her in years, but have kept up with each other over FB.. barely.. and seeing as I had to work on her wedding shower (and her wedding), this was going to be the first time I'd get to see her newly married self.. Plus all the other sistas I've missed seeing..

This happens a lot.. I make plans, hype myself up about it, and then I get TOO hyped up and end up flippin out about some RANDOM thing.. like what if i am a third (or fifteenth) wheel??  what if I don't know anyone else??  what if I get lost and end up really late??  that first one is a biggie for me.. I'm not big on being in the background.. because it leaves me to thinking about stuff, and that is never a good thing..

Of course, tonight wasn't the first time this kind of thing has happened.. and I've noticed a little bit of a pattern with the "incidents".. they happen when the plans are with people I haven't seen in YEARS.. my old friend Lacey, haven't physically seen her in at least 2 years, and I kept bailing on her when I would try to make plans (but there were other issues with our friendship too though)..  Most of the people I used to be friends with aren't around anymore.. either because we lost touch when I moved back home, or because I didn't want to be around anyone and they got sick of trying to pull me out of my shell..

I don't blame people for getting mad at me.. go ahead.. you'll be right behind me, giving myself an ass kicking.. all I ask for is understanding that I didn't bail on purpose.. if I could, I would be at any event I was invited to.. I would make plans with all sorts of people.. but I can't.. YET!  I just gotta keep taking baby steps to get to the place where I can go ANYWHERE to meet ANYONE and not have a panic attack.. 

I hope..