Struggles..

That's what I've been having.. struggles.. but I think it's partly because I lost focus of why I want this.. and at some point, I stopped wanting this bad enough thinking about how badly I want this.. it got lost in the "everday" coming and goings, I think.. but I am not giving up! Today has started out really well.. I am counting EVERY damn point, to the last decimal.. lol

One of my rules that I made was to eat an apple every day (I meant to put morning, but whatever.. lol).. And I have that down, and another one cut up for later.. I am going to go make my smoothie (for a post-workout snack) after I post this.. and I realized last night that I am not have not been PROACTIVE in my weight loss.. I've just been skimming by, allowing myself "this little bite" or "just a little of that".. So this is me, saying NO MORE!!

I watch all these shows, where overweight people lose weight.. and while I wish someone could just show me how to do this (show me what to cook, how to cook it, etc.), I know that isn't going to happen.. and my mom (God bless her) is trying to help me, but it's not her diet. It's MINE! I'm responsible for my portion sizes, I'm responsible for getting my helping before all the butter and sauces get added..

I'll be back later to go over my food intake, my workout, and anything else I can think of.. lol

I'm Sorry..

I'm sorry for so many things anymore.. I mean, if I were to list them out, it'd be WAY too long to read, especially on a Friday.. ;)   But right now, I'm truly sorry for one big thing that boils down to many little things.. 

I'm sorry that my anxiety has such control over my personal life..

I'm sorry I allow my anxiety to have so much control over my personal life..

I am writing this after missing out on a game night that my sorority sister was having at her (and her new hubby's) house.. I haven't seen her in years, but have kept up with each other over FB.. barely.. and seeing as I had to work on her wedding shower (and her wedding), this was going to be the first time I'd get to see her newly married self.. Plus all the other sistas I've missed seeing..

This happens a lot.. I make plans, hype myself up about it, and then I get TOO hyped up and end up flippin out about some RANDOM thing.. like what if i am a third (or fifteenth) wheel??  what if I don't know anyone else??  what if I get lost and end up really late??  that first one is a biggie for me.. I'm not big on being in the background.. because it leaves me to thinking about stuff, and that is never a good thing..

Of course, tonight wasn't the first time this kind of thing has happened.. and I've noticed a little bit of a pattern with the "incidents".. they happen when the plans are with people I haven't seen in YEARS.. my old friend Lacey, haven't physically seen her in at least 2 years, and I kept bailing on her when I would try to make plans (but there were other issues with our friendship too though)..  Most of the people I used to be friends with aren't around anymore.. either because we lost touch when I moved back home, or because I didn't want to be around anyone and they got sick of trying to pull me out of my shell..

I don't blame people for getting mad at me.. go ahead.. you'll be right behind me, giving myself an ass kicking.. all I ask for is understanding that I didn't bail on purpose.. if I could, I would be at any event I was invited to.. I would make plans with all sorts of people.. but I can't.. YET!  I just gotta keep taking baby steps to get to the place where I can go ANYWHERE to meet ANYONE and not have a panic attack.. 

I hope..

Drumroll, please...

With no further ado, or blathering on and on (hehe), I am so excited about my weight this morning..

I weighed in at:

227.0 lbs!!

OH YEAH!!

I'm definitely super happy about this weight loss, which is a 2.6 lb loss.. say bye-bye to water weight.. but hey, I don't care if it was hair product, it was there last Friday, and it ain't no more!!

Thank you so much to all the wonderful people who left me amazing comments about keepin on keepin on..:)

I really wish I wasn't up this early though.. lol.. I'm thinkin I'm off to bed again.. hehe.. only for an hour or so.. because now that I know I've lost, I'm so going to get my nails done, because they need it SO bad.. AND I am putting my Christmas tree up tomorrow!!  I'm so excited!!  Can't wait to post pics and show you all!! :)

Happy Friday!!

It's Party Time..

just not the good kind.. this party, is a pity party..

**WARNING**   this entry is not to get sympathy.. i just need to get it out there and maybe (if i'm lucky) get some understanding.. because I can't seem to think outside of my little bubble..

i can't seem to get out of this funk i'm in.. it's like a roller coaster (a PMS enduced roller coaster, at that).. i was watching 'ramona and beezus' tonight and i bawled at some of the parts.. like when their older kitty dies, and when josh duhamel's character digs (and later finds) a box where he kept all of the things from his high school sweetheart romance..  who just happened to be with ramona and beezus's aunt.. well, ain't that somethin'?!  right out of a damn fairy tale, don't ya think?!  *insert raspberry sound here*

i don't know where everything went so wrong in my life sometimes.. i honestly don't.. but i do know that this fat pad i've been hiding under is my defense mechanism.. i'd rather be fat and single than skinny and single.. because if i'm skinny (and in my mind, beautiful) and single, then there's GOT to be something wrong with me, right?!  so a part of me doesn't want to find out what life would be like at this age skinny..

have you ever watched 'must love dogs'??  well, you should.. because the main character, Diane Lane's character, has my EXACT name (spelled differently, but still).. and i was shocked!  while it's obviously not how my life has gone out (nor do i delude myself into thinking movies are like my life.. lol), I honestly am terrified by some of the things in the movie.. my ultimate fear is to die alone.. and it scares the crap out of me that my life is only partly in control by me.. the rest is in control by the people around me..

hope you all had a good weekend.. i'll update ya on mine tomorrow after i get back from zumba.. :)

Time for Dinner.. and a Blog Hop

So my client I have on weekdays, the one with the awesome gf, has me cook from time to time.. Sometimes it's from a recipe (last week I made Mahi Mahi, brown rice and veggies.. kinda simple).. Sometimes it is straight from the top of his head.. Today was the latter..

I was worried, as I never have had the patience to cook well.. I can bake like no one's business, but cooking.. not so much..  So today's menu included rice pasta, shrimp, veggies (mushrooms, peppers, black olives and onions) garlic powder, chili pepper flakes and Ragu sauce.. Sounds kinda weird but it was DELICIOUS!!  See?!

Before this, I wasn't much on mushrooms and black olives, but I think that's because we don't "think outside the box" very much in my house.. :(    Gonna have to think outside the box more often.. lol

And now for the thing we've all been waiting for.. a blog hop!

Catch-Up Monday

So I just got back from my Monday morning Zumba class, and boy does M really kick our asses.. In such a good way!  I'm always so beat when she gets done with us.. Not to say the other Zumba teacher doesn't.. C's fabulous too.. but I think it's the fact that M only teaches the one day, and just Zumba.. who knows.. :)

But I'm about to start playing catch up on all the blogs I've been missing out on over the past few days.. I can't wait to see what everyone else has been doing over the past 5 days.. And to add my blog to the blog hop!  :)

I am loving that, during the week, I love to go to work.. Yeah, I only work 4 hours, and yes I don't do much work during those 4 hours, but that's not why I love it.. I love the people.. My client, his gf and their puppy are the highlight of my days.. lol

His girlfriend is WONDERFUL!  And guess what?!  She's a runner.. and a hardcore one at that.. some days she will run 30 miles (in one run!).. and she doesn't run inside.. She's wonderful because she shares any kind of advice I may ask about.. Like running shoes.. or running outside.. I can't wait to pick her brain about things I am confused about..

Just Dance Family Challenges

Check these out.. They are too hilarious not to watch.. one is of me and my dad, and the other is my little brother and my dad.. Fun times with the Just Dance games.. :)

 

my dad and younger brother doing the Just Dance 2 game.. their song was "Eye of the Tiger"..

love their feet when they are supposed to be jumping rope.. lol

this one is of me and my dad doing "Call Me" by Blondie..

I think it's off the first game version.. I kicked his butt.. lol

Birthday Weekend.. Overview and Wrap-up (Part Two)

Didn't want to totally bore people with my whole weekend in one post (because even I was kinda tired of writing about it.. lol), so I'm breaking it into two entries..  This one covers Saturday and today (Sunday)..

Saturday morning started off REALLY early (after getting in bed at 3:30am) to go shopping in Indianapolis, Greenwood and Edinburgh with my best friend, Amanda, her mom (and my second mom) Donna, and our good friend Jenni.. I woke up at 7:30 am, got on the road by 8:30, and we were on our way to shop til we dropped.. I had $160 with me to go shopping (which still didn't last very long, thanks to Victoria's Secret.. lol).. and boy, did I make out with tons of stuff..

Plus, snacks at Cinnabon (couldn't believe I've never had one of their cinnamon rolls).. And lunch at Applebee's.. including a mudslide (which was made wonderfully, aka you couldn't taste the alcohol).. that seems to take some skill.. :)

Saturday night was boring (thank goodness!).. showed my mom my loot, did some scrapbooking, and did a little cleaning.. Only bad thing was that I was getting sick.. I can't stop coughing, and it's gotten worse since Thursday.. I went to bed loaded with Mucinex, Vicks going through my mini humidifier, and one of those Breathe Right strips on my nose.. I looked gorgeous!  lol

My alarm for my race today (that I honestly was looking SO forward to doing on my actual birthday) came WAY too early, but I got up and then proceeded to go back to bed after realizing that I couldn't even go down the stairs without coughing so hard I actually peed a little (yeah, I was amazed when it happened).. I was so pissed that, of course, on the one race day that I had actually wanted to race, paid in advance for, and bought a running outfit for, I wouldn't be able to do.. 

Yeah, I can imagine once I get into running races that I will be able to figure out how I can do it with a cold, but I didn't want to run/walk my first race and either have to not finish or have to use my emergency inhaler because I pushed myself too hard.. So I signed up for another one to make up for it, on December 4th, in my hometown.. :)  Plus, I get to run with Santa!!  YAY!!  lol

Today brought my family over.. for some of my momma's AWESOME cooking.. Our tradition for me and my brother's birthday is that we get to pick what we want her to make us (or order).. This year I chose baked chicken, mashed potatoes, homemade mac'n'cheese, broccoli casserole, rolls, and instead of cake I wanted mini-cheesecakes..

Aren't they just so cute?!  And SO much healthier than cake.. because right now I can only eat one of these at a time.. ya know what I mean?  I can't eat more than one without feeling so gross.. lol.. and the sugar icing on cake makes me SO sick anymore..  But after eating food, I got to open my gifts, and was so excited to see that my brother had been able to get what I absolutely wanted in such a short time.. Wondering what it could be?  Well, wonder no longer.. :)

I asked him for this on Monday (like not even a week ago).. and he was able to get it in the color and size I wanted.. YAY!!  I can't wait to wear it when I start running outside in a few weeks (or sooner, ya never know).. :)   

Well, that's the end of my birthday weekend.. complete with TONS of birthday wishes on my FB wall.. I hope you all had a great weekend too!  :)

Before I totally sign-off and go blog hoppin, I have a question for you runners (new or not).. What brand/kind of shoes do you run in?  Are there certain ones you wouldn't recommend? 

Birthday Weekend.. Overview and Wrap-up (Part 1)

Well well well.. I have no idea what to do first, catch up on 5 days worth of blog entries (and I will read every one of them) or write my own entry to gab about my past 5 days activities.. guess I obviously decided, huh.. lol

Well, most of y'all know that I turned 27 today (technically at 10:57am.. lol).. and I took the whole weekend off work to make sure I brought it in with a bang!  Well, now that the weekend is almost over, I gotta fill y'all in.. I just gotta.. ;)

I'll start with the beginning of my 5 day (unintentional) hiatus.. Wednesday

So, in order to not have a totally crappy paycheck next Friday, I switched days with someone so I would work Wednesday at my over-nighter.. and boy did she make it the worst 24 hours ever (well, I guess not ever since they usually all are with her, sadly enough).. woman accused me of eating a whole bag of spearmint candies (WTF?!), told me not to screw up her cupboards (as they'd just been rearranged, partially by me, recently), and that I text too fast (she usually doesn't care) and the "clicking" is getting on her nerves.. OMG, I'm glad I am not a violent person..

On a brighter note, my mom text me that my dress for Friday night had came into the mail!  YAY!!  I was really worried (with my luck) that it would get here on Saturday or something.. lol.. so she sent me a text to see if it looked like I thought it would, and it looked so much better!  Here's the pic she sent me.. :)

So Thursday, I was so excited to get home, for more than one reason, and wanted to try my dress on.. This dress is labeled as a 1X (which is supposed to be a 16/18, which is my current size in most labels).. and it even has a stretch back.. and it didn't fit.. thank goodness it came with a swatch of fabric (not sure why, but hey, i'm sure not complaining.. lol), because I used it to make the dress a little bigger.. and it worked!!  I had to work at 1:30, so I went and was glad that he's one of my great clients.. he's so sweet, his girlfriend is AWESOME (more about her in tomorrow's post) and has the cutest puppy that is spoiled rotten.. lol

After that, I did some stuff and finished working on the dress.. Had to work Friday with my guy client and got off at 2pm, then went to Hobby Lobby and Micheal's.. didn't leave the Clarksville/Jeffersonville area until 3:30.. WTF?!  Where did the time go??  lol.. so I went home as fast as I (legally) could, and got ready for my Friday night dinner/dancing with my girl Cassie.. and boy did the night just kinda go to pot..  I have never eaten at The Cheesecake Factory, but I knew that it wouldn't be easy on my diet, so I made sure to take it easy the whole day up to dinner, so I wouldn't have to "miss out" on anything..

Would you believe, after driving all the way up to Greenwood (1 hour away from my friends house), there was a 40 minute wait and we couldn't wait that long?!  We chose to get the cheesecake to go, and then went to eat somewhere else.. Can you figure out where?  lol

 

Yep, we went to McDonald's in all our prom-worthy glory.. :)   and I enjoyed my McRib and medium fries.. and the White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake, of course.. So we made it to her sis's house and mine in good time, and finally (after a little "stalling") got to 4th Street Live in Louisville, KY around 10:15pm.. And some of my sorority girls, including Katie from Finding the Thin Within, came and helped me celebrate.. :)

While we did have some bumps in the night.. like how we had to leave.. it was quite enjoyable.. and anyone wanting to see more pics can go to my FB photo album and have a look-see.. :) 

Decided to make this a two-post entry, as I didn't expect it to get so long.. Hope your eyes aren't burning from reading all this.. :(

Bad Night..

Yesterday, I got a text from Redbox for a free rental.. I was excited.. Free is always good, especially when it's in regards to something I can actually use.. So I went to the store and got Just Wright.. I've seen all sorts of previews for it, and Queen Latifah can do no wrong, in my eyes, as an actress..

I chose to watch this movie over watching the Colts game (monday night games always throw me off, for some reason), and sometime after getting the movie, I fell into a funk.. Dunno why it happened, dunno when it happened.. but about halfway during the movie, I got so pissed off.. honestly, I was about to start crying because the NBA player, aka Common, actually fell in love with the chubby chic, aka Queen Latifah.. That NEVER happens in real life.. Honestly, the hot guy who just also happens to be a gentleman and treat a woman right never falls for the chubby chic.. Not in real life, at least.. and that's the point, or at least the one I kept thinking about last night..

The funny part was, in the movie the hot guy ended up going back to the skinny bitch (sorry, but she really was a bitch).. which is what ALWAYS happens in the movies.. the skinny chic (bitch or not) always gets the guy.. Ugh!!  It just makes me realize how much I hate being single.. I am a good person (yeah, I have my shit, but I know people who are WAY more fucked up than me that are married.. lol) and yet here I am, almost 27 and I haven't been out on a real date in almost 3 years..

Oh, did I mention in this slump, I ate as much as I could fit into my stomach?!  Not much, since I have been eating less, but still.. Reese's cups aren't a good idea for a dieter.. lol

All this is going to change with my year-long challenge.. this year is going to be different, no matter what I have to do.. Okay, that's the end of my rant.. lol..

Fitting into "something" again..

I was going through the blogs I follow, and Syl @ Live, Smile, Run made me think of something.. We all have that "thing" that we use as a goal point.. some people have exact weights to get to, some people have a size pant/shirt/bra that they want to fit into, and some people (like me) have a specific pant/shirt/bra they want to GET BACK INTO.. here is what I want to fit back into sometime soon..

These pants are what (in the back of my head) drive me to continue on this sometimes crazy journey.. The back story (what, I gotta explain, don't I?!  lol) is really short, but totally important in my memory.. In 2003, I did my first (and only) successful attempt at the Adkins diet.. I can tell you the month/year of this because my brother graduated from high school in late May 2003.. and boy did I look HOT!!  This was the time when I got down to my smallest (178 lbs.).. My brother then went into the Army Reserves and a few months later (October 2003) we went to Myrtle Beach to see him graduate from boot camp!  :)

I was so excited because I was actually able to go and see the beach again.. It was wonderful!  Plus, shopping on the Army base!  Anyone who is a Armed Forces girl/guy will know how awesome the shopping centers on bases are.. it's like discount shopping with designer labels.. haha.. so I got these jeans there for like $25.. And they fit, for like 2 more months.. and they haven't fit since..

I will fit into these jeans again.. and others like them of course.. So congrats, Syl, for fitting into your "something".. hopefully I will be joining you in putting up current pics of me in my old pants.. :)

Fantastic Sunday..

Alriiiiiiiiighty then.. so if you have been reading for a bit, you'll remember me saying something about if I go to any fast food restaurant, I will get the kids meal.. well, I ended up going to McDonald's for my dad and was so hungry.. but I stuck to my promise (to you and myself) and got a cheeseburger happy meal.. 

Last time I got a happy meal, they came in the crappy bags.. I was excited to see that they were back to the boxes.. :)  And I couldn't wait to see how tiny the new fry holders were.. and was greatly disappointed.. my friend Cassie got one of the cute mini-fry boxes.. I got a crappy paper wrapper.. :(  But I had no idea they still gave you cookies!  lol.. so sad to get excited over a Happy Meal, right?!  

On to my reason for blogging today.. I went to the gym today (after a 2 day hiatus due to work) and ran another mile.. it was somewhat harder for some reason (maybe bc I wasn't talking to my friend Renee this time), but I beat my last time.. by 45 SECONDS!!  If ya look to the right of this post, you'll see a little section that I decided to put up dedicated to "beating" my mileage time.. I figured I'd try to get to a 10-minute mile before I up my mileage.. But I am super excited that I pushed myself to do better.. It is so worth it.. :)

Oh!  To anyone who has been counting the days (like I have.. lol), it is officially ONE WEEK til I turn 27 years old.. And I plan to make this week a life-altering one.. which will be the start of a life-changing year (it technically started when I started this diet, but I want it to officially start on my b-day).. so check back tomorrow afternoon to see pics of what my first "official" change turns out to be.. ;)

Later taters!  hehe

Presents..

We all love them, right?! 

Well, I have found something that I am so putting into my Presents "shopping cart"..  Wanna see what it is?

Isn't this top HOT!?  I want it so bad.. and if it wasn't in sizes 0-10, I would buy it tomorrow morning (aka payday).. lol.. so it's going to be part of my "180 lbs" goal.. I still plan to buy it soon, prolly next weekend, but I plan to start a box for stuff I will be fitting into soon.. :)   I know this is probably a stupid idea, as I'm setting myself up to spend tons of money on stuff I won't ever be able to fit into.. but I'm definitely going to use this as motivation.. If I spend $60 on a shirt (yeah, I know, but it's too hot not to get), I KNOW I will do whatever it takes to get my boobs into it.. lol

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I'm about to start working on my accountability wall, and realized that I honestly haven't eaten yet.. I'm afraid that after this past weekend, I'll continue to make bad food choices and not go back onto my "normal diet".. But I need to get to where I'm okay on my feet again without having to worry I'm going to crash and burn again.. :(

Made myself a healthy sandwich.. hoping that I can make up for what damage I did last week.. I'm also gonna do the Shred workout tonight.. maybe I'll get out in this nice cool weather and try running.. anything is possible.. lol..

Off to go do some work.. I'll post pics of my finished wall later.. :)

I can do it.. and YOU can too!

Okay, so I did a weigh in today (and I'm thinking of changing my weigh in days back to Friday, but I'll explain that in a later post).. 

Today, I weighed in at:

223.2 lbs..

That is a 2.9 lb gain.. This was disappointing, but not totally surprising. (and actually made me feel kinda normal).. I found that last week was a "ho hum" kind of week.  I didn't get to go to the gym, and I didn't try to do anything at home.. I kept to my diet kinda, and then proceeded to allow myself to cheat on Friday and Sunday.. I don't know what prompted me to cheat on my diet, as I wasn't stressed or anything like the last time, but it happened, so I need to figure out why and stop it from happening again..

I went out on Sunday, got my nails did (hehe), saw (part) of a movie and went to a formal meeting with my Phi Sigma Sigma sistas.. It was fun, and I'm glad I went out.. It was a good day, all in all.. until I got McDonalds.. :(  I mention the meeting because one of my sistas, Erin, mentioned something I've been looking into recently.. ACCOUNTABILITY..

While I say that you all, my readers, hold me accountable, it's more of a "Big Brother is watching" kind of accountability.. I wish I could say to myself "Holy cow, what would my readers say to me if I do this", but I don't do it at the right time.. It's always too late.. But that's not the point.. My point is I have to find my own way of holding myself accountable.. of course, without getting too crazy about my weight loss.. and I've figured that others have some of this kind of issue too..

I've got my "racing platform" hanging on my wall by my bed.. I'm definitely going to use that as my accountability wall too.. Post pics of me over my transformation, post weigh in's (so they are in my face 24/7), etc.. What do you do to hold yourself accountable? Do you have someone else who keeps you accountable?  Do you need someone to help you with your accountability?  

I hope that you, as readers, find something to keep you on this journey that will make you a healthier, happier you.. because even though I'm not even halfway done yet, I know that it is SO worth ever sacrifice I've had to make.. :)