I'm Sorry..

I'm sorry for so many things anymore.. I mean, if I were to list them out, it'd be WAY too long to read, especially on a Friday.. ;)   But right now, I'm truly sorry for one big thing that boils down to many little things.. 

I'm sorry that my anxiety has such control over my personal life..

I'm sorry I allow my anxiety to have so much control over my personal life..

I am writing this after missing out on a game night that my sorority sister was having at her (and her new hubby's) house.. I haven't seen her in years, but have kept up with each other over FB.. barely.. and seeing as I had to work on her wedding shower (and her wedding), this was going to be the first time I'd get to see her newly married self.. Plus all the other sistas I've missed seeing..

This happens a lot.. I make plans, hype myself up about it, and then I get TOO hyped up and end up flippin out about some RANDOM thing.. like what if i am a third (or fifteenth) wheel??  what if I don't know anyone else??  what if I get lost and end up really late??  that first one is a biggie for me.. I'm not big on being in the background.. because it leaves me to thinking about stuff, and that is never a good thing..

Of course, tonight wasn't the first time this kind of thing has happened.. and I've noticed a little bit of a pattern with the "incidents".. they happen when the plans are with people I haven't seen in YEARS.. my old friend Lacey, haven't physically seen her in at least 2 years, and I kept bailing on her when I would try to make plans (but there were other issues with our friendship too though)..  Most of the people I used to be friends with aren't around anymore.. either because we lost touch when I moved back home, or because I didn't want to be around anyone and they got sick of trying to pull me out of my shell..

I don't blame people for getting mad at me.. go ahead.. you'll be right behind me, giving myself an ass kicking.. all I ask for is understanding that I didn't bail on purpose.. if I could, I would be at any event I was invited to.. I would make plans with all sorts of people.. but I can't.. YET!  I just gotta keep taking baby steps to get to the place where I can go ANYWHERE to meet ANYONE and not have a panic attack.. 

I hope..

It's Party Time..

just not the good kind.. this party, is a pity party..

**WARNING**   this entry is not to get sympathy.. i just need to get it out there and maybe (if i'm lucky) get some understanding.. because I can't seem to think outside of my little bubble..

i can't seem to get out of this funk i'm in.. it's like a roller coaster (a PMS enduced roller coaster, at that).. i was watching 'ramona and beezus' tonight and i bawled at some of the parts.. like when their older kitty dies, and when josh duhamel's character digs (and later finds) a box where he kept all of the things from his high school sweetheart romance..  who just happened to be with ramona and beezus's aunt.. well, ain't that somethin'?!  right out of a damn fairy tale, don't ya think?!  *insert raspberry sound here*

i don't know where everything went so wrong in my life sometimes.. i honestly don't.. but i do know that this fat pad i've been hiding under is my defense mechanism.. i'd rather be fat and single than skinny and single.. because if i'm skinny (and in my mind, beautiful) and single, then there's GOT to be something wrong with me, right?!  so a part of me doesn't want to find out what life would be like at this age skinny..

have you ever watched 'must love dogs'??  well, you should.. because the main character, Diane Lane's character, has my EXACT name (spelled differently, but still).. and i was shocked!  while it's obviously not how my life has gone out (nor do i delude myself into thinking movies are like my life.. lol), I honestly am terrified by some of the things in the movie.. my ultimate fear is to die alone.. and it scares the crap out of me that my life is only partly in control by me.. the rest is in control by the people around me..

hope you all had a good weekend.. i'll update ya on mine tomorrow after i get back from zumba.. :)

Well, SHIT!!

Okay, so while my weigh-in isn't til tomorrow morning, I peeked a little.. and was SHOCKED!  I knew going into this weigh-in that I would have a gain.. but I figured it'd be a pound, maybe two.. wasn't counting on 5!!  Hence the title.. I want to cry so bad, as this puts me right at the 230's, and I REALLY don't want to go back there..

I should have known when my pants barely fit today that I was going to have a bad weigh-in.. So I've decided to make some drastic changes in my diet (because I seem to respond to drastic measures).. ugh!  So the plan is to go online and look up some point values for foods I eat a lot of.. and if I don't know the point value of it BEFORE I eat it, it won't go into my damn mouth.. 

Aka, no fast food.. no junk.. fruits, veggies, grains.. vitamins, and lots of water.. stuff like that.. the normal stuff.. but I can't seem to figure this whole 220's plateau I've been on for the past few weeks.. I feel like I'm self-sabotaging my diet, which is a strong possibility.. :(

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME!!  AHHHH!!  I want to be thin again.. I want to be hot again.. I want to cry right now, though.. Off to bed I go.. hoping I can dream off 5 lbs..