It's Party Time..

just not the good kind.. this party, is a pity party..

**WARNING**   this entry is not to get sympathy.. i just need to get it out there and maybe (if i'm lucky) get some understanding.. because I can't seem to think outside of my little bubble..

i can't seem to get out of this funk i'm in.. it's like a roller coaster (a PMS enduced roller coaster, at that).. i was watching 'ramona and beezus' tonight and i bawled at some of the parts.. like when their older kitty dies, and when josh duhamel's character digs (and later finds) a box where he kept all of the things from his high school sweetheart romance..  who just happened to be with ramona and beezus's aunt.. well, ain't that somethin'?!  right out of a damn fairy tale, don't ya think?!  *insert raspberry sound here*

i don't know where everything went so wrong in my life sometimes.. i honestly don't.. but i do know that this fat pad i've been hiding under is my defense mechanism.. i'd rather be fat and single than skinny and single.. because if i'm skinny (and in my mind, beautiful) and single, then there's GOT to be something wrong with me, right?!  so a part of me doesn't want to find out what life would be like at this age skinny..

have you ever watched 'must love dogs'??  well, you should.. because the main character, Diane Lane's character, has my EXACT name (spelled differently, but still).. and i was shocked!  while it's obviously not how my life has gone out (nor do i delude myself into thinking movies are like my life.. lol), I honestly am terrified by some of the things in the movie.. my ultimate fear is to die alone.. and it scares the crap out of me that my life is only partly in control by me.. the rest is in control by the people around me..

hope you all had a good weekend.. i'll update ya on mine tomorrow after i get back from zumba.. :)