I really am.. I'm afraid that I'm too afraid to be skinny.. does that make sense? I think I'm afraid to get skinny, because I've been so big for so long now.. isn't it just easier to stay the size I am?! I really wonder if a part of me (my subconscious or something) is wanting to scream "I don't wanna get skinny! What if nothing in life changes after you get skinny?!" I know I think this every now and then.. I think looks are important; we all are "programmed" to want good looking spouses..
But honestly, I'm comfortable being fat.. and that's the problem.. I like being comfortable.. (yeah, I just started crying, btw) It's nice to know what life is generally going to bring.. when I get skinnier, life will be an unknown.. and that scares the shit out of me..
This issue is what is holding me back, I think.. my lack of confidence, my anxiety.. now the ultimate question! What the hell do I do to get out of my comfort zone?? How do I get out of my head and just do it?? This is a daily struggle for me.. Case in point, I went out with a gf on Saturday night.. After working all day, I still had a lot of energy and I wanted to go dance.. so we went.. and I lasted about 2.5 hours before my confidence was telling me to go home, that I was (and always will be) not as good as most of these girls dancing.. So I called my dad to come get me, so my gf didn't have to leave..
I really wanted to cry when I was leaving.. I knew this would happen.. It usually does (I think it's the fat-girl syndrome; ya know, the one where all your friends are skinny, and you are the only fat girl).. but it kind of stayed with me this time.. and has lingered..
My self-image is warped.. honestly, I know what I see in the mirror isn't real.. but my accountability pics depressed me, so I'm not doing them right now.. I can't stand to post them.. Most days I can talk myself out of being sad about my body, but today is not one of those days.. I hate how I make myself unattractive.. I know I hate my hair short; I know it looks cute in the beginning, but I can't afford to cut my hair every month.. I can barely get my ass out of bed early enough to fix it in the morning.. So I go to work looking like crap.. yay me!
Okay, end of depressing entry.. and yes, I am seeing my doctor on Friday to get my Paxil refilled.. ;)
But honestly, I'm comfortable being fat.. and that's the problem.. I like being comfortable.. (yeah, I just started crying, btw) It's nice to know what life is generally going to bring.. when I get skinnier, life will be an unknown.. and that scares the shit out of me..
This issue is what is holding me back, I think.. my lack of confidence, my anxiety.. now the ultimate question! What the hell do I do to get out of my comfort zone?? How do I get out of my head and just do it?? This is a daily struggle for me.. Case in point, I went out with a gf on Saturday night.. After working all day, I still had a lot of energy and I wanted to go dance.. so we went.. and I lasted about 2.5 hours before my confidence was telling me to go home, that I was (and always will be) not as good as most of these girls dancing.. So I called my dad to come get me, so my gf didn't have to leave..
I really wanted to cry when I was leaving.. I knew this would happen.. It usually does (I think it's the fat-girl syndrome; ya know, the one where all your friends are skinny, and you are the only fat girl).. but it kind of stayed with me this time.. and has lingered..
My self-image is warped.. honestly, I know what I see in the mirror isn't real.. but my accountability pics depressed me, so I'm not doing them right now.. I can't stand to post them.. Most days I can talk myself out of being sad about my body, but today is not one of those days.. I hate how I make myself unattractive.. I know I hate my hair short; I know it looks cute in the beginning, but I can't afford to cut my hair every month.. I can barely get my ass out of bed early enough to fix it in the morning.. So I go to work looking like crap.. yay me!
Okay, end of depressing entry.. and yes, I am seeing my doctor on Friday to get my Paxil refilled.. ;)
Girl, if you are scared that nothing will change when you are thin, then it won't. I KNOW that I will always be unsatisfied with myself and all I accomplish at least a little, but knowing that lets me say to myself "you are a headcase, just finish this, maybe it will be this way, and maybe it won't, but you won't know until you get there." In the process, I will be skinnier, healthier, and I'm sure at least a smidgen happier (who can't be a little happier being able to buy 'normal' sizes?)
ReplyDeleteSo you get skinny, and you are still unhappy and unfulfilled, then what? Career change? Move? One challenge at a time, sister. So listen to this closely...you are gorgeous (even at your weight that you hate you are naturally prettier than at least 80% of the girls in the room, 5 wouldn't lie to you because I'm not that nice), you are obviously honest (moreso than 90% of the girls in the room), and life is unknown, but just being skinnier will mean you get to enjoy it longer-and I PROMISE you will enjoy it. It's all downhill from here, just stick to plan, take your pictures, and you will see-good things do come to those who work hard.
Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
Trust me when I tell you I've been where you are now. Rock bottom is a sad and lonely place to be and no one can bring you back up until you are ready. Being comfortable is good if you are healthy. You have to make the decision to MAKE yourself do the things you need to. Do I want to eat salad for lunch 3 days a week? No, I'd rather have fast food (aka fat girl crack) but I know that I have to eat veggies in order not to end up with the various maladies that affect my family: hypertension, heart disease, diabetes.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, you just need to become your own biggest cheerleader instead of your biggest enemy. A tall order but an achievable one.
I see up in the left hand corner it says CANCEL YMCA membership?? Is that to save money?? Do you figure that the amount of money you will be saving is worth canceling it?
ReplyDeleteI get what you are saying! I too wonder hwo I will feel as the SKINNY ME..
I have been told that the person I am now will be the same person that I will be when I am thin. So what ever non weight issues that I have WILL follow me..You are beautiful..Overweigh or thin!!! So next time try and go out and have a good time!!
I feel like there's this middle ground in weight loss where you've lost enough to be out of the *omgomgomg I FEEL fat* zone, and into the *not ideal, but comfortable* zone.
ReplyDeleteIt also feels like goal is so far away and almost unattainable and unknown.
You only get one chance. I know you want it to be great. We can do this.
:)
Speaking my language. My thing is the guy thing. Right now I think I use my weight as an excuse to be single and once I'm not overweight anymore, then my "excuse" for not dating will be gone. And then if I"m still not dating once I'm thin, then it's me that's the reason, not the weight. That to me is frightening.
ReplyDeleteLadies, please remember that self-confidence is sexy no matter your size. If you can't be confident in your body, be confident in the fact that you are doing what you need to in order to get HEALTHY. Also, skinny does not always equal healthy. Case in point: Lindsay Lohan.
ReplyDeleteI get it. I often wonder why I sabotage myself.
ReplyDeleteWords of advice, don't go off the meds. We have them for a reason.
You are really beautiful, inside and out, I know it is hard to see, but we see it!
I completely understand those fears... but you are awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteI totally get being the fat friend and how that feels but you can get through this and the fact that you are blogging about this means that you are ready to work through it!!!
*HUG*
I have had these very same feeling. Scared that making these changes won't make me happy, scared of the unknown. We have to embrace that fear - we don't know what will happen but we have to believe that it will be great!
ReplyDeleteIt is scary! But I just keep telling myself that I will ALWAYS WONDER what it's like to be a healthy person if I give up. I'm sick of wondering, I think that maybe things won't change like we all hope they will, but at least the nagging curiosity would be over! And I think that's worth working for.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely beautiful now and you'll be beautiful at any weight.
Oh, and let's be real, half of the skinny girls can't dance either ; )
I honestly related to this post more than almost any other that I have read before. I am also very scared to be skinny, buy more than that I don't think I can be skinny. It isn't that I don't think I can lose the weight, because I know that I can, but I always look at people who have lost weight or who are thin and I think I can't ever be that thin or that healthy. I have been overweight for so long that I honestly can't imagine anything else. I am scared and anxious to get there. To lose the weight for good!!
ReplyDeleteIf you're afraid to do something- it means it's all the more worth doing. And girl- you are absolutely beautiful! Look at the pics of yourself on this blog- you are gorgeous! Don't be so hard on yourself! :) Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be scared, infact, I think i'd worry a lot more if we werent scared because it's a major change in our lives but we've got to remember why it's important to lose weight such as health reasons etc.
ReplyDeleteAs our bodies change, maybe it's a good idea to take time to accept our new bodies and learn to love ourselves again. I guess that's why a lot of people say it's better to lose weight over time so our bodies and minds can adjust to it rather than losing a lot of weight overnight and freaking out by what's happened.
I haven't a clue what the future will be like, I have always been fat but I think about all the lame excuses I have given because I've been too embarrassed or too scared to do something because of confidence issues. I don't want to do that anymore.
Remember, we're all in this together!